Stream of Lou-ishness
I tried to keep my mind occupied all day with something other than hope versus awful possibilities. Spent a great deal of time trying to turn a 30 second task into a 15 second task by automating what happens when I download pictures on my computer. I looked for a new program to test so that I could write a review. I did not have the energy or desire to get far from my desk. I did absolutely zero doomscrolling of the news. I didn't read a single article about the cloud hanging over America.
After lunch, I decided what I really wanted to do was just quit my job. I've already retired once, didn't like it so I returned to the workforce. I was looking for something to blame for my malaise today and instead of assigning that blame to existential dread, I figured it just had to be the low pressure, easy job I lucked into. Yep, that's it. I started emailing Wonder Woman all the reasons I wanted to quit. To her everlasting credit, she let me rant and didn't freak out. In the end, I didn't put in my notice, but I didn't feel better either.
I don't want to go to sleep because I'm scared of what will be on my phone when I wake up. I mean what if the worst happens? I have no idea what I will do. For a long time I thought I would just withdraw into my hobbies, delete all the news apps from my devices and become apolitical, finding some way to not feel guilty for the fifty million tons of privilege that would allow me to do that. I know better. I've been reading the news without pause since the days of Watergate. I would not know how to stop.
My entire early adulthood was taken up by 12 straight years of Reagan/Bush. The thought of my dotage being taken up by something worse is horrifying. If old, straight, white guys are feeling this way tonight, what must the politically aware POC, women and LGBT citizens of America be feeling?
Is this incoherent? I don't feel like I have the words to express my anxiety, my anger and my confusion. It's not supposed to be like this. I'm so angry at the people who encouraged this, who allowed it to happen and who stand to benefit from it. I want someone to pay.\
I'm not a control freak. Most of the time I hold my chin up and deal. Like everyone else in the world, I've survived everything that has ever happened to me. I'll survive the next week and the next four years, no matter what. Right? Right?
Someone asked me to write a blog post on whether I have faith in the future of humanity and I have been putting THAT off until after tonight because whatever happens today is really going to color my answer. That's overblown and over dramatic but it is also true. All we need is more air and water pollution and drill, baby, drill and "I'm not a scientist" types. I just want to scream profanity.
America is a mental ward tonight and there aren't any doctors available.
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