I'm a digital pack rat who enjoys browsing through decades-old emails and blog posts from the 90s when I was on GeoCities. I recently found a letter I wrote to a homophobic friend in 1997, where I tried to disabuse him of some backward notions and challenge some of his beliefs. I won't reprint the whole thing because parts of it are cringeworthy, and I use language in it that wouldn't fly today. However, I am glad to see that most of what I believed 27 years ago, I still believe today.

My friend was unhappy that the use of the word "homophobia" was becoming common. He said no one was afraid of gay people and that there was no fear involved. My response dipped into armchair psychology mode, but in hindsight, I still see it as a valid argument.

There is a fear of homosexuals in our society. I believe almost everyone has, at some point, either had some sort of homosexual experience (rarely) or had a homosexual fantasy (commonly). This act or thought provokes such shame and guilt in some people, usually men, that a strong aversion occurs—one that is so psychologically entwined with self-identity that an overemphasis occurs in denying or rejecting the act or thought. We all know men who are so insecure they can't carry their wife's purse for her, buy her tampons, or admit that Tom Cruise is handsome. Why? Because someone might think they are gay, and since they once had a homosexual fantasy, they might be gay. So they better tell some [gay] jokes, buy themselves a four-wheel-drive pickup, a shotgun, and a Pit Bull, and put that rumor to rest right now.

His other complaint was that the "homosexual agenda" was being pushed and promoted. I think the people doing the promotion were "the liberals" and "the media." This was during the Clinton administration, when the culture wars were just getting started, but the flames of it were already burning brightly.

Since I live in North Carolina, prime Bible Belt country, I don't get to see this homosexual promotion everyone is talking about. In fact, I see the opposite. People may not use the N-word much anymore, but calling someone the other F-word happens all the time. Some of the gay people I know are ridiculed, shunned, and ostracized. I've never known a gay recruiter sent by the National Gay Headquarters to a lonely post in my town to convert school children to the cause. I do know my company doesn't fire openly gay employees as it did ten years ago, but I also know people who don't feel sorry for AIDS victims. Logic tells me that no one chooses to be gay any more than you choose to be straight. Who would pick a lifestyle that offers the possibility of harassment, discrimination, the loss of family ties, and the small chance of ever being a parent?

Thankfully, some of my arguments seem simplistic today. Maybe they are even regarded as common sense. As a straight guy with the privilege that entails, I have the luxury of only thinking about the subject when I feel like it or when I see some backward behavior. Unfortunately, the right wing has chosen to ramp up its attacks with things like banning books about LGBT issues and making Tim Walz's sponsorship of the Gay/Straight Alliance at the high school where he taught into an issue.

Since I wrote that letter, some positive things have happened in American society. Same-sex marriage was legalized, and lots of people now know same-sex couples. Contrary to the fearmongering by conservatives, none of us straight folks had to get divorced, nor is it now legal to marry your pet. You can also be gay and out in the military without jeopardizing your career. Last time I checked, the US wasn't threatened by another country due to the weak state of the Army and Marines. I'm glad both of those things have happened, and I hope that an inevitable future conservative win in an election doesn't undermine them.

Enjoyed it? Please upvote 👇

One piece of pop psychology that actually seems to be true is the premise that at any given time we are all doing the best we can. Football coaches and motivational speakers may beg to differ, but they have a vested interest in making people think that they can always just try harder to achieve success by whatever definition is popular that day. I don't buy it. I believe that people want to succeed. They want to be good parents, good employees, good spouses. Hell, they just want to be good. In the real world though we are faced with all kinds of mundane challenges, from differing energy levels, differing states of mental clarity and motivational levels that rise and fall on a sea of different inputs.

I'm not advocating using this sentiment as a cop out for slacking. I'm advocating it as an explanation for the human condition. There are healthy methods of self-criticism, and then there are unhealthy feelings of low self-worth or guilt that serves no purpose. A certain amount of staring at one's own belly button is OK, but excessive bouts of obsessing over previous life choices is a self-centered exercise that serves little purpose. Learning how to be easy on yourself is the first step in extending that same level of acceptance to those you feel have let you down in life, whether it be your parents, former bosses or the bully in third grade.

I started my parenting journey as an 18-year-old living in a trailer park making $4.25 an hour, riding a Sears bicycle to work. By the time my oldest left to join the Navy, I owned a home, a couple of cars and had a state job from which I retired. Today that kid (now 41) manages a team of 600 people, talks to me all the time and has a life that would make plenty of people envious. He turned out just fine. I made plenty of mistakes with my kids. I don't say that lightly at all. Of course, I wish I'd been better in the Dad game, but I know longer wallow in any kind of guilt. My love for them never wavered, and that is what's important.

As a four times married recovering alcoholic with bipolar disorder, you better believed that I have regrets. I just don't have self-loathing. Life can be incredibly hard for the best equipped among us. Throw in a few handicaps and we all become miracles very quickly.

Everyone has a story. Everyone has things in their life other people don't know about. You can't tell who is recovering from a family death, who suffers from chronic pain, or who is desperately searching for an antidepressant that actually works. Some people make a big deal about not being judgmental, but I don't buy it. Being judgmental is a survival skill. I make judgments all the time, but I try not to do it in a way that lets other people live rent-free in my head. In my line of work, I deal with people who don't like or understand technology. Some get frustrated easily and act out when their computer doesn't do what they want it to. I don't like being treated rudely, who does, but I understand where they are coming from. I just file them in the appropriate mental category and I move on, or at least I try.

I don't pretend to love every one. I can't use "they're doing the best they can" to solve all my issues with the world. It doesn't help me understand or forgive Trump supporters, uncaring bosses or various flavors of mean people, but it definitely helps me deal with the people I care about.

Enjoyed it? Please upvote 👇

Being appropriately cautious is a survival skill. We have evolved to do things like sniff food before we eat it to make sure it isn't spoiled and to keep our guard up around strangers. A lot of human behavior is understandable in that context. I wouldn't consider myself reckless in any way. I drive cautiously enough. I haven't been in any kind of physical confrontation in decades.

Certain cautious behavior is gender based and makes perfect sense. Like most men, I don't think about being the victim of sexual assault. Most people have individualized reasons for their comfort with risk. I get it.

Having said all that, I'm still not cool with paranoia. There is a certain amount of risk inherent in being a functional adult and no one gets to escape from all of it. When I see a person who is so risk averse that they deprive themselves, or worse, they deprive others, it drives me nuts. I like computers and software. It's kind of my thing. I see many, many people who act terrified to install or use all kinds of software out of unfounded or unspecified fears. I'm not just talking about technologically ignorant people either. There are people in my industry who think that there is something or someone nefarious behind every new app. There are ways to investigate these issues and ways to mitigate risk. Quit being paranoid!

In jobs I have had, I trust that my bosses have enough faith in me to make professional decisions when a new situation arises. It's a judgment call, of course. There are times when one needs to seek guidance. Most of the time, however, I have no problem making a call and moving forward to get a job done. If my decisions are questioned, I feel fairly confident that I can defend them. I am sure you have encountered people though who get paralyzed if they are faced with the unknown. They come to a dead stop and act as if they just know they will "get in trouble" if they do anything without running it by the boss first. I want to grab these people by the neck and shake them. Quit being paranoid you sorry excuse for an adult. Quit trying to evade all responsibility. Grow a pair.

Then there are the people who are sure that the mysterious "they" are out there thwarting progress and holding back the common man. The people who blame "them" without ever trying to get to the bottom of who "they" might be are another category I'm pretty derisive about. There is no doubt that giant corporations do not have society's best interest at heart. Capitalism is not structured that way. Rather than railing against the unknown, however, learn to name and shame the people and organizations behind your oppression. Let that knowledge influence how you vote and where you spend your money. We have limited power as individuals, but we do have some, plus we have the power to organize and to take collective action. That's how slavery was ended, how women got the vote, how child labor was outlawed and how every labor protection in existence came into being. Quit being paranoid. Do something!

If anything about this offends you, I do not apologize. Quit being paranoid!

Enjoyed it? Please upvote 👇