Two_Men_Talking

If you have any familiarity with 12 Steps groups or if you've seen movies like 28 Days or TV shows like The Wire, then you may be familiar with two of the steps that scare the hell out of newcomers. They are the 4th and 5th Steps of the recovery program first laid out in the 1930s and followed by millions since.

  1. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  2. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

I'm not a believer in a supernatural God, and I've been sober a long time, so don't let the seemingly religious references throw you off. The principals behinds performing these two practices are beneficial. Rather than trying to forget the past, it's better to face up to it. People doing this take the opportunity to look at their resentments and to see what part they may have played in them. Every so often they find that they don't have any responsibility, such as in cases of abuse. Frequently with their beefs with exes, old bosses or family members, they find they did have a part to play. Even just figuring out the why of our relationship issues is helpful. Typically it comes down to fear. We are afraid we are not going to get something we want, or we are afraid we are going to lose something we already have. The most common way to manifest fear is through anger.

After we've taken the time to take a good look at ourselves, comes the next step, where we ask someone, maybe a trusted friend but more typically a respected person in the recovering community to hear us admit, out loud the list of things we've done wrong, that we feel guilty about and the part we have played in all the important difficult relationships in our life.

The first time I did this, I did it with an old-timer named Pete on a weekday afternoon. I was 22, but definitely an alcoholic in need of recovery. I was so scared I was shaking but over the course of an hour or so I laid it all out. Pete laughed at many of my confessions, giving examples from his life where he'd done the same thing, sometimes to a greater degree than I ever had.All my life I'd felt different from other people, terminally unique they call it.I found out that day that I wasn't all that different from I guy I really respected.

Since then, I've had more than one opportunity to hear other people admit their garbage. At the end, I always ask them "What is your deepest darkest secret?" You can see them struggle to let go of that secret, but they always do. It's always a relief not to ever have to carry that around with you anymore.

We are as sick as our secrets. They foster feelings of shame and guilt. They make us feel different and unworthy. People pay a lot of money for therapy to have someone hear them out. That's OK. Whatever it takes. I've been luck over the past 38 years to have a community of people who have listened to me without judgment when I've needed to get stuff off my chest.

I do the very best I can be today to live a life where I can be honest with the people around me. I don't lie to my wife or my boss or my children or my parents. I'd rather tell them something they would rather not hear than carry around a bunch of emotional baggage that secrets cause. You don't have to an alcoholic or an addict to use the principles behind this way of living. People have used this philosophy to get relief from all kinds of destructive behavior from gambling, to over eating to compulsive sexual behavior and co-dependent relationships. There is hope for everyone.

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