Merry-Go_Round

I'm in much need of a mental health day or two away from the world. Living with a bipolar disorder diagnosis for nearly 40 years has given me the insight into my own thought patterns, feelings and behavior to recognize what's going on with myself and to take action. It starts with vague, uneasy, paranoid feelings. "Why is everyone mad at me?" (They actually aren't. It just feels that way) Then I feel a deep sadness and isolation for no apparent reason. Everything, and I mean absolutely everything, becomes difficult. I dread having to speak to anyone. For many years, up to the end of 2008, I medicated these feelings with the help of distilleries and breweries and the occasional pot dealer, but I put that behind me finally and for the past 16 years, I've dealt with the black dog on my own.

I'm from the pre-Prozac generation, who had to endure old-fashioned tricyclic anti-depressants with all their many side effects back in the 80s. Modern psychotropic meds have come a long way. I've taken a whole catalog of them over the years and these days I have what my doc calls a poly-pharmacy that has few side effects, isn't addictive and is readily available from just about any druggist. Despite meds though, I still have weird mood swings and feelings that are a product of haywire brain chemistry rather than the events going on around me. The reality is that I have a low stress life, no financial pressure to speak of, no real enemies or resentments, an easy job and a good home life. That's why it is so maddening to feel so low. There is nothing to fix.

Experience tells me that this too shall pass, as long as it isn't the start of a downward spiral, and this doesn't feel like that. I still have an interest in plenty of meaningful things. I'm still functional enough. My current mood is conveniently happening right before a long scheduled break from work. It's a time when I will have almost no responsibilities. I'll be able to get plenty of rest. The only person I'll have to deal with will be the one I love the most. All of that is good.

I'm sorry that I don't have anything that interesting to share today. I'm struggling, but I will be OK.

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