We_are_more

A few years ago, a man in his 60s here in NC, an amateur cyclist of some renown, won a race against a field of mostly younger riders. He was selected for a random drug test, which he failed. In his quest to remain competitive, the man, who was already legendary in the local racing community, a mentor to many and a man held in high esteem, resorted to cheating to increase his chances of winning a relatively meaningless bicycle race. In the process, he made the news, was banned from racing and severely damaged a hard-earned reputation. When I heard about it, I was livid. I didn't know the man. I knew of him. Some of my friends frequently made the one-hour trip to his hometown to train with him. Everyone called him The Old Man. My attempt to carry on a lifelong love affair with sports was already severely damaged by the steroid era in baseball. I adopted pro cycling as my new favorite, only to discover that almost every famous racer of the era was a cheat. It deeply affected me then and now.

I took to social media to vent, as one does. I guy who knows me and The Old Man asked me a question that stuck with me about the whole situation. Is it fair to judge someone solely for the worst thing they have ever done? Is it? Society does it routinely in criminal justice cases. Sure, they take some mitigating circumstances into account, but if you mess up bad enough, you are going to prison despite your otherwise saintly life. I knew more than one person serving a life sentence when I worked in the correctional system who had but a single yet horrible conviction.

In the army, a well-worn but true statement is that one “oh shit” wipes out one hundred “attaboys.” People remember Bill Buckner a lot more for making an error in the World Series than they do for his otherwise illustrious career. In my own tiny little personal Internet, one developer's failure to adequately address a mistake is still reverberating in our community months after the fact.

I suspect that in moments of absolute honesty, most of us could make a confession that could potentially turn large swaths of our acquaintances against us. Maybe we bullied someone or we were needlessly unkind when we didn't have to be. Perhaps as ignorant and uninformed youngsters, we indulged in behavior that we are ashamed of now, like listening to Rush Limbaugh or voting for Reagan.

I believe in extending grace to my fellow humans these days to the extent that I am able. I believe, as I said, that everyone has that one worst thing, and I try not to define people by that. If they are serial assholes, I let them go on their way, but in most cases, people aren't that way. I learned in 12-Step recovery that resentments against other people are the number one offenders in a person's life who is trying to stay sober. I was a miserable person with a whole pile of grievances 16 years ago. In the intervening time, I've worked hard to become forgiving, not for anyone's sake but my own. It's liberating and a heartily recommend it. You aren't letting your ex off the hook when you stop centering on your grievances, You are letting yourself off.

I'm not one who preaches against being judgmental. Frankly, I think using your judgment is a survival skill, and it is impossible not to exercise it. You can't stick with the winners if you don't decide who they are. So judge away, but be careful what you do with your decisions. Don't write people off as a matter of course. Offer them a silent chance at redemption if you can. Put yourself in their shoes and treat them like you would want to be treated. In the long run, you will benefit. They will benefit, and we will be one step closer to a better world.

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