Happy, older man

In the continuation of the Ask Me Anything series, today I am tackling a question from Annie, first answered by Keenan, Estebanxto and Kerri Ann - if you could instantly change one internal pattern/thing about yourself, what would it be?

This is an easy one. I would turn myself into a natural people person on the spot. I'd love to live in a world where relationships were easy for me. I can come across as personable and friendly, and there is a large part of me that truly is that way, but it takes so much effort. I make the effort because I enjoy the rewards and reactions I get from being that person, but my god, it takes so much energy and concentration. Left to my own devices and true nature, I'd silently do my own thing, content to be left alone most of the time.

For a long time in my life, I acted very taciturn, rarely showing much emotion other than irritation. I was pretty gruff. It was all to keep people at a distance because I was so clueless about how to deal with them. I grew up moving once or twice a year, and my first 14 years on planet earth were spent always being the new kid. I didn't know what it felt like to be settled or to have long-term relationships. As an immature new kid, I felt like I always had something to prove, and if it backfired, my natural inclination was to angrily withdraw.

In early adulthood, I dealt with substance abuse and mental health issues, both of which I sought treatment for, and after a myriad of struggles, finally got on top of. When I finally entered long-term sobriety, I realized that I absolutely needed people in order to be healthy, and that's when I decided to drop the gruff, grouchy, grumpy nature that I had always used. I was 43 years old. At work, I adopted the attitude that I would have were I self-employed instead of a civil servant. I really concentrated on being friendly and approachable and started thinking about how other people felt. I was at that job for 20 years, and I'm still friends with people from there. All of them will tell you that I had a mid-career personality change.

In my personal life, I decided to start sharing the things I loved, which at the time were 12-Step meetings and riding my bike. I'd spent the last decade heavily involved in activism, always struggling against the things that made me mad at the world. Bush's wars, Conservative attempts to punish LGBT people, criminal justice inequality and more were things I organized against, but it had taken its toll on me. I stepped away from that and directed my energy into being the guy who was just grateful to be sober another day. When I realized I had a talent for endurance cycling, I became an evangelist about it to people who were interested, constantly talking people into attempting challenging bike rides of greater and greater distances. I met Wonder Woman at one of those rides.

I finally learned how to make small talk. I adopted the role of a nurturer and started trying to make people comfortable, whether it was on a bike ride or at work when I went to help teachers and administrators with various computer problems. It was about this time that my grandchildren started entering the world, and I found that to soften me up a bit as well. I remember explicitly training myself to smile more.

Today my problem is maintaining that friendly persona. It takes a lot of energy and sometimes I run out. "What's the matter Lou? Why are you so quiet?" is something I hear with regularity. There's nothing actually wrong. I just need some time to recharge my batteries and be still. By design, our home is a quiet place. It's relaxing. I have become an extrovert with introverted tendencies.

When I look at people I know who seem to be always on their game, friendly and helpful by nature, I marvel at how they do it. I wonder if it even takes any effort on their part. I have a coworker who can talk to anyone and keep a calm demeanor throughout it all. He rarely complains and is always there to help when asked. Someone recently said that the two of us were alike, and I took it as a great compliment. Maybe I'm getting better at maintaining a friendly outside when my inside isn't feeling it. I hope so. It sure took long enough!

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