The November Ask Me Anything blogging challenge is going well. Today's question is once again from @annie@social.lol on Mastodon. She wants to know, "What's an important lesson you've learned about relationships?" As a happily married guy, albeit in marriage number four, I feel fully qualified to share my expertise on this one. Anyway, relationships also include friends, work, and more.

High School Sweethearts

I got married the first time to my high school sweetheart. I was 18, she was 17. We already had a baby and had another one pretty quickly to boot. Today, all four of us are doing OK. Getting an early start on children made me a young grandparent able to do plenty of stuff with my huge collection (13) of descendants. Although the marriage didn't last long (three years), it did not ruin my life in any appreciable way.

Don't Marry Someone You Meet in Rehab

I don't really need to explain this one, do I? Also, ten-year age gaps create certain realities, many of them not positive. 1/10 Would not recommend!

Even Good Relationships Can Wither

I think it's fine, healthy even, to have interests and hobbies different than those of your partner, but interests and hobbies need to take second place in a marriage. The most important thing in a marriage is the other person in it. Taking them for granted or assuming that all the hard work is in the past is unwise. That's all I have to say about that.

Good Relationships Have Requirements

It is quite possible to be true to yourself and also put your partner's needs at the top of your list. My relationship with Wonder Woman works because I have respect for her needs. I know what things are important to her, and I accept that without argument. She does the same for me. She kind of had to train me, and I had to allow myself to be trained. I don't think either one of us has extravagant demands. We have evolved into a couple that spends most of our time together. Most of what we do, we do together. I don't go running with her, but I do go to most of her races. When we are at home, we spend most of the time in the same room, often within an arm's reach of each other. We always kiss goodbye, including before work, at lunch, and before sleeping.

Work is Hit or Miss

In the job I retired from, I made several friends that outlasted my employment. A couple of them have lasted more than 20 years. We've done things socially, been to each other's houses. I've watched them get married and have kids just as they've watched my family grow. I believe in being friendly with the people I work with and finding out about their lives. I had the same boss for many, many years, and the guy was so disinterested in everyone who worked for him. He didn't know anything personal about his employees, and I just marveled at his indifference. Most work relationships don't evolve into friendships, but I think it's important to humanize my co-workers and not see them as cogs in a machine.

Organizations

I'm an outspoken and energetic person. When I'm in a group of people with a common purpose and something needs to be done, I don't mind voicing my opinion about the direction we take, nor do I mind stepping up to do the work. I don't know how to be any other way. The upside to this is lots of people appreciate you. The downside is a lot of people resent you. I don't like being resented, but what I like even less is a group of people staring at each other, waiting for someone else to make the first move.

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In the continuation of the Ask Me Anything series, today I am tackling a question from Annie, first answered by Keenan, Estebanxto and Kerri Ann - if you could instantly change one internal pattern/thing about yourself, what would it be?

This is an easy one. I would turn myself into a natural people person on the spot. I'd love to live in a world where relationships were easy for me. I can come across as personable and friendly, and there is a large part of me that truly is that way, but it takes so much effort. I make the effort because I enjoy the rewards and reactions I get from being that person, but my god, it takes so much energy and concentration. Left to my own devices and true nature, I'd silently do my own thing, content to be left alone most of the time.

For a long time in my life, I acted very taciturn, rarely showing much emotion other than irritation. I was pretty gruff. It was all to keep people at a distance because I was so clueless about how to deal with them. I grew up moving once or twice a year, and my first 14 years on planet earth were spent always being the new kid. I didn't know what it felt like to be settled or to have long-term relationships. As an immature new kid, I felt like I always had something to prove, and if it backfired, my natural inclination was to angrily withdraw.

In early adulthood, I dealt with substance abuse and mental health issues, both of which I sought treatment for, and after a myriad of struggles, finally got on top of. When I finally entered long-term sobriety, I realized that I absolutely needed people in order to be healthy, and that's when I decided to drop the gruff, grouchy, grumpy nature that I had always used. I was 43 years old. At work, I adopted the attitude that I would have were I self-employed instead of a civil servant. I really concentrated on being friendly and approachable and started thinking about how other people felt. I was at that job for 20 years, and I'm still friends with people from there. All of them will tell you that I had a mid-career personality change.

In my personal life, I decided to start sharing the things I loved, which at the time were 12-Step meetings and riding my bike. I'd spent the last decade heavily involved in activism, always struggling against the things that made me mad at the world. Bush's wars, Conservative attempts to punish LGBT people, criminal justice inequality and more were things I organized against, but it had taken its toll on me. I stepped away from that and directed my energy into being the guy who was just grateful to be sober another day. When I realized I had a talent for endurance cycling, I became an evangelist about it to people who were interested, constantly talking people into attempting challenging bike rides of greater and greater distances. I met Wonder Woman at one of those rides.

I finally learned how to make small talk. I adopted the role of a nurturer and started trying to make people comfortable, whether it was on a bike ride or at work when I went to help teachers and administrators with various computer problems. It was about this time that my grandchildren started entering the world, and I found that to soften me up a bit as well. I remember explicitly training myself to smile more.

Today my problem is maintaining that friendly persona. It takes a lot of energy and sometimes I run out. "What's the matter Lou? Why are you so quiet?" is something I hear with regularity. There's nothing actually wrong. I just need some time to recharge my batteries and be still. By design, our home is a quiet place. It's relaxing. I have become an extrovert with introverted tendencies.

When I look at people I know who seem to be always on their game, friendly and helpful by nature, I marvel at how they do it. I wonder if it even takes any effort on their part. I have a coworker who can talk to anyone and keep a calm demeanor throughout it all. He rarely complains and is always there to help when asked. Someone recently said that the two of us were alike, and I took it as a great compliment. Maybe I'm getting better at maintaining a friendly outside when my inside isn't feeling it. I hope so. It sure took long enough!

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Question: Why do you have the politics you have today?

In real life, outside of my family and a couple of close friends, I rarely talk politics unless someone says something real backwards around me, in which case I speak up. I consider any endorsement of what passes for Republican policy to be backwards, so I'm not going to let anyone subject me to it. I don't go around preaching to anyone and all I want is the same treatment.

That's the root of my politics right there. It's the golden rule. I want to live in a society where people treat other people the way they want to be treated. Republicans want a two tiered system where there is a definite advantage given to white, native born people. They want to explain away the disparity in educational achievement and the rates of incarceration by acting like minorities are stupid criminals instead of using our joint national resources to bring about a better system. If I were poor (again) I'd want to be treated with compassion, not scorn.

Conservatives want a government that puts more money in their pocket and screw everybody who isn't like them. I want a government that provides for the common good. don't believe in a government that foster's an elite class who get to skip paying taxes on their yachts and jets. I think that the effective tax rate for people who live off accumulated generational wealth should be at least as much as the people who clean their houses.

In order to have the kind of country I want, the insane amount of money that gets funneled to defense corporations has to be drastically reduced. Our government has a vested interest in keeping people scared of terrorists, the Chinese, the Russians, Mexican drug lords. None of the money spent towards combatting that lengthens lives the way it would if it were spent on cancer research and improved medical care for everyone.

I want to live in a country with educated people because I believe education to be important. I worked in schools for decades and I know how dedicated teachers are. Republicans have fostered a narrative that schools are failing and it isn't true. They use any excuse to avoid spending money on education, preferring to give tax cuts to those who already have the most money. They want to give money to private schools that allow non-certified teachers to tell children that men and dinosaurs walked the earth together.

I believe in science. Only a fool would look at the rapidly changing climate and think the best thing to do is drill more oil wells, but that is the policy Republicans want. I want to drink clean water and breath clean air and I don't want to be told how spending the money for those basic life giving necessities sin't good for the balance sheet of some billionaire.

So there you have it. Those are my reasons. I don't think the Democratic party has the solution to all those problems, but they are a hell of a lot closer than the alternative. The two party system is terrible. There is too much money in politics. I hope we incrementally change the system to something that better serves more people, especially those that need it most.

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When Wonder Woman decides she doesn't need something anymore it gets tossed into recycling, or it gets donated. When I decide I don't need something right now, I place it aside because you never know, I might need it later. Therein lies a slight problem. She looks at my stuff with a rapacious gleam in my eye, and from time to time I get a wee bit offended and protective of my stack of eight different sizes of jeans.

One place I can hoard to my heart's content is on my computer. I have stacks of external hard drives full of, well, stuff - movies, music, 25-year-old website archives, multiple backups of photos. I also have accounts in iCloud, Google Drive, One Drive, Box and Dropbox with files on all of them. I have files I created in Microsoft Works, a program that was discontinued 15 years ago.

When it comes to music, of course I have a subscription to one of those all-you-can-eat services, where I can listen to almost everything but the ripped CDs I bought at coffee houses and bars in the far distant past, but I worked hard to download all that music from Napster and I just don't want to let go of it.

I've carried a smartphone around in my pocket since shortly after the iPhone was released. At work, I have always snapped pictures of bar code stickers we used to identify computers, the admin panel on printers, lights on switches and routers and all kinds of serial numbers. I have a career's worth of those photos that I only occasionally cull.

The 2009 iMac I used as a Plex server to watch movies hasn't been plugged in for four years, yet it and all the movies I ripped back in the days when Netflix sent you DVDs in the mail are still located in our family room. When I hear one of my friends talking about their movie streaming setups, I have to stifle the urge to bring them a hard drive to fill up for me. We subscribe to EVERY channel and don't have time to watch what we are already paying for, and here I am thinking of ways to get more.

I went through a collection of articles I'd saved today "to read later". It went back several years, and you could see my learning and interests patterns through different periods. I had dozens of saved YouTube videos on deadlifting and squatting from my power lifting days. There were tons of articles on stupid shit Trump did from 2105-2020 when I was building up my encyclopedic knowledge of his many faults. I had to trash a bunch of NYT and WaPo articles because I'm mad at them and canceled my subscriptions. I had automatically saved the entire blogging content of two of my favorite writers, Matt Birchler and Jarrod Blundy over the course of 2024 and had to eliminate all but the reference material from those prodigious writers.

Of course, I have every tech guy's obligatory box of various cables and connectors. You just never know when you might need a 30-pin iPod cable or s-video adapter. FireWire might even stage a comeback. Stranger things have happened. I think there's even a Windows 7 laptop, sans power cord, around here somewhere that hasn't been booted up in 12 years. We have an extra iPad that I keep trying to think of a use for, and I am still holding on to my last Apple Watch, thinking I might make it my nighttime sleep recorder. I've been thinking about that for quite a while.

Anyway, when Wonder Woman reads this, it may be my last blog post, so if y'all don't hear from me, you'll know she beat me to death for not getting rid of some of my very valuable personal possessions!

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One of the central tenets of Buddhism is that everything is decaying. Eventually, everything falls apart. One just has to buy a home to see the truth in this. Trust me. Today, lots of people were disappointed that a well-liked Internet service, Omnivore, which allowed you to save articles to read later, subscribe to newsletters without using your personal email, and have some articles automatically archived, was turning off its servers on November 15. Some folks had just transitioned to using Omnivore, only to find that their efforts were now wasted. It was my favorite way to read a couple of my favorite writers, so I had to scramble to come up with an alternative.

People have seen it happen time and again. Huge, popular websites and companies have just disappeared or changed so completely that they are no longer the same: MySpace, Digg, StumbleUpon, Epinions, the list is endless. We are used to it now. That's why I say people were disappointed rather than shocked.

If you look at stats, the average length of time that people stay in a job continues to decrease. In 2024, it's a reality that in order to grow your wages, you often have to move from one employer to another. Pensions are very rare these days. Most of us have self-funded retirement; some are lucky to have an employer contribution, but our accounts are portable, unlike in the past. Even jobs that were once looked at as lifetime opportunities aren't the same anymore. I am a retired state employee, and one of the benefits I earned is lifetime health insurance. Too bad for new hires, though. The Republican state legislature took that away from future retirees, including teachers.

I have seen landmark restaurants close their doors forever. It makes me really sad to think that my beloved Zorbas, the diner at the end of my street where I have eaten for 30 years, will be gone one day. I don't think that one set of my grandchildren has ever spent the night with us without going there for pancakes on a weekend morning. Things can be so central to our lives, and then one day they are just gone.

Some great films from the early days of the movie industry weren't preserved, and the works of people like Rudolph Valentino, Clara Bow, and many others from the silent era will never be seen again. The military records of hundreds of thousands of World War Two veterans were burned in a fire at a VA records warehouse in the '60s, and the information on them is not retrievable. People think that the advent of computers means that data will last forever, but that's not true. CDs, floppy disks, and hard drives all have life spans, and if the data, whether it be pictures or music or books, isn't continually moved from one medium to another, one day it will be gone.

I am of an age where my much-loved grandparents are long gone. Nobody likes to dwell on death, but we know that as we age, the frequency at which we confront it accelerates. Our relatives, our peers, our heroes, and idols begin to leave. I still find it hard to believe that I live in a world without people like Muhammed Ali and Hank Aaron, but I do.

So, as trite as it may be, I'm using this reflection to encourage you (and myself) to savor what we have right now. Call your mom. Eat at your favorite restaurant. Read your favorite magazine. Watch your favorite TV show. Enjoy it all. One day it will all be gone.

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A long time ago, a friend of mine told me that in life, you find what you look for. I believe that to be true most of the time. I'm always on the lookout for nice people. Thinking about them is a tool I use in my personal gratitude practice, a daily exercise where I record three things I'm grateful for. I have been doing it for years. There's never been a time in my life when I couldn't find some folks with kindness in their heart. Even during the years when I worked as a prison guard, there were inmates who did kind things in a non-manipulative way. I used to drink coffee continually on that job. You could buy a packet of Taster's Choice in the canteen for a dime in those days. An old con who cleaned the area around my desk gave me some sage advice one day. "Mr Plummer," he said, "Don't ever put that coffee cup down and turn your back on it. These boys will spit in it if you do." It's been almost 40 years since he told me that and I still remember him for saving me from that indignity.

During the years I worked as an IT tech in the school system, I would always be showered with gifts at Christmas. Teachers would bring me baked goods, iTunes gift cards, coupon books, CDs and more. With all that teaching involves, remembering the guy who comes around once in a while to look at your laptop takes some real effort. When I took a mid-career break to get married and go hiking for six months, many of those teachers send care packages to my wife and I with edible treats, socks, bug spray and other things from our wish list.

People with demanding, public facing jobs who maintain their cool and make others feel welcome have a special gift. The wait staff at my favorite diner, even when they are slammed, still acknowledge their regulars. They are still nice and patient with kids. They take a minute to crack jokes and to make fun of me for always ordering the same thing.

So many of the tools I've learned to love on my computer are apps that some developer has made and given away for free. Everything I know about creating a blog is a result of freely distributed guides and tutorials. The number of letters I've gotten from complete strangers on the Internet to thank me for something or to encourage me or to praise me is just astounding. People will go out of their way just to make someone else feel good and I think that is awesome. Yes, I have also experienced some meanness online but it's overshadowed by kindness.

I think often about some of the giants I have know who dedicated their lives to the social justice movement. I know men and women who worked in the deep south during the Civil Rights era at great danger to themselves. I know organizers who survived the 1979 Greensboro Massacre who are still committed to the cause of helping poor people. I know union workers who've left home to travel to other areas to help organize workers so that they might enjoy the same benefits. I know soldiers who, sickened by war, laid down their rifles to speak out to try and stop the senseless killing that our government asked them to do in the nebulous name of freedom.

Look for kind people today. Better yet, be kind. Get your name added to someone's gratitude list.

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